WARNING: Big J and I are wholeheartedly against stealing. One of my biggest pet peeves is hearing or seeing stand-up comics steal jokes from one another and attempt to pass them off as their own. Yes, Carlos Mencia, I'm talking to you. So it's necessary before I write this column to state that I am not stealing. I'd like to call it, "paying homage."
How does that sound? Paying homage....yeah....that's the ticket.....paying homage.
Anyway, I am paying homage to the man who invented the "Running Diary" column, Mr. Bill Simmons of ESPN.COM's Page 2, by writing a running diary of my own for De La Hoya vs Mayweather. My goal is to make the technique proud by entertaining all of you with a minute by minute account of a fat white guy watching a sporting event via PPV on his couch. Wow, never thought about it like that.....maybe this isn't a good idea after all.
Oh well, too late now. The wings are just about done as they are getting that crispy, grizzled look to them and the woman is heading off to bed. Time to take my pants off and......I mean, turn on the PPV, grab a wing, sop it with bleu cheese and get ready for a fight!!!!
8:49pm: Okay, just pressed the "confirm your purchase" button on my remote and there goes $54.95 down the drain. $54.95!!!!!! For $54 dollars I want Jim Lampley to come over my house and actually call the fight from my living room. Larry Merchant however would not have made it as he would have been hit by a speeding bus on his way to my apartment. Now that folks is worth $54.95.
8:51pm: A montage of celebrities making predictions on tonight's fight is the start to the "Countdown" program and WHOA....Vinny Chase in the house. Now, I love Entourage and all, but that might have been the most obvious "product placement" so to speak by HBO to promote one of their shows. If I want an opinion on banging hot chicks, I definitely want to hear what Adrian Grenier has to say. But boxing? Let's stick to Sugar and Kellerman, shall we?
8:52pm: Oh God, the girlfriend has awoken from her slumber. SHE'S ONLY BEEN ASLEEP FOR 20 MINUTES!! I swear she must have come to the moment I typed "banging hot chicks" in the last paragraph. Be right back. Time to put on the charm and make her go back to sleep so I can enjoy myself. And by putting on the charm I mean making her drink a glass of water spiked with horse tranquilizers.
9:00pm: Okay, I'm back. The horse tranquilizers didn't work, so I just hit her in the head with a heavy book. I knew saving my college textbooks rather than selling them for cents on the dollar back to the bookstore would come in handy some day.
9:01pm: Some undercard fighter named Bautista has the nickname of "Boom Boom". It ain't Ray Mancini, but I still gotta watch this.
9:09pm: AWESOME!!! Sergio Medina is coming out to "Eye of the Tiger"!! When was the last time you actually heard a boxer come out to that song? Wow, and there isn't a damn soul in the building to enjoy that fantastic selection of ring music.
9:14pm: In honor of the NBA All-Star game, what's the over/under on murders and robberies in Vegas this weekend? It's gotta be pretty high as the element that follows boxing makes NBA fans look like school girls. Trust me, Big J and I went and saw a Don King triple-header highlighted by Chris Byrd vs Andrew Golota at Madison Square Garden in 2005 and we saw more blood shed in the bathroom than we did in the ring. We actually witnessed a "fight" between two black kids and a crazy group of drunken Polish men that was an amazing thing to behold. And I put fight in quotes because there wasn't even a punch thrown. One of the Polish guys just threw roundhouse kicks in the direction of the black kids which sent them running down the hallway in retreat. I'm serious, he must have kicked about 20 times in a row. It was something out of an action flick that I thought could only be accomplished with CGI. The moral of the story is that I highly recommend attending a boxing event if you haven't been to one. And the more dangerous, the better.
9:31pm: For some reason Emmanuel Stewart is determined to call Bautista, "BAH-TISTA." You know, like Batista in WWE. And just like WWE's resident Animal, this guy looks stiff in the ring too.
9:33pm: BAUTISTA IS CUT!! GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY, BAUTISTA IS CUT!!!
9:35pm: Wow, Lederman has Bautista leading 48-46 through 5. So, Medina is winning the fight.
9:37pm: Okay, no way I'm going to be able to keep up this pace with a running diary especially since I'm even covering the undercard which no one really cares about. So I'm off to eat 20 wings. HMMMMMMM.....WINGS......WITH BLEU CHEESE........Be back when it's main event time.
10:08pm: Okay, I lied, I'm back. Bautista won in 12 by unanimous decision. I guess old Harold was right. Juarez and Hernandez are up next and......I could care less. Seriously this time, I'll be back for main event time.
10:49pm: Is that The Predator or Floyd Mayweather Sr.? I never thought that we would see a black man's version of the mullet, but that's about as close to describing what Floyd Sr. is sporting. Rather than a ticket to the fight, can Oscar get this guy a stylist? My God, even a decent barber would do. Oh no, Merchant is asking questions. Wow.....this is priceless. I've never seen a more incoherent interview on the part of both interviewer and interviewee. This is a Youtube moment. And Lampley just summed it up, "Poignant comments by Floyd Mayweather Sr." The broadcast has just been halted as Jim Lampley's nose has grown to the size of the Eiffel Tower.
10:56pm: OSCAR IS GETTING TAPPED UP, GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY, HE'S GETTING TAPED UP!!
11:00pm: OH MY GOD.....I'VE LOST THE FEED.....Oh, okay, no biggie. Just my TIVO automatically switching channels to record the TNA Impact replay. Yeah, okay, like you don't love Christian Cage?? I'm a PEEP and proud of it.
11:07pm: HERE WE GO!!! In the words of my friend Devon Jurgensen's brother Jarrod, IT'S RUMBLE SH*T TIME!!! Oh wait....a couple more minutes of promos...silly me. Wow, one of my favorite fighters of all-time, Arturo "Thunder" Gatti, is fighting on my birthday. If you've never seen Gatti fight, please, please get a DVD or tape off the internet and watch this Italian via Montreal/Atlantic City go. He's like the Braveheart of boxing. Gatti fight on my birthday, wow, nothing better than that.
11:13pm: Okay, finally, main event time.....oh wait, Lampley just said 15 minutes till fight time. Good Christ, I'm about 10 beers deep right now and I'm fading fast. Maybe another 10 wings should do the trick. When in doubt, ALWAYS reach for something fried. Be back in a sec. Wait a minute, celebrity sightings, can't miss this.....P Ditty...check....Leo DiCaprio.....check.....Jack Nicholson....check.....John Cusack....che....wait......WTF? John F'N Cusack? How did he get in? Much like Larry Merchant, John Cusack would be better off dead.
11:20pm: Larry Merchant just said, "blinged out." I'm going to bed.
11:22pm: VIVA MEXICO!!! (That's MEH-HEE-COE). Shots of Oscar doing that weird jaw contraction he does before fights....Sing it Marc!! Wait, was that 50 Cent in Mayweather's dressing room praying?? If it was, look out Strip, I'm taking the over on murders. I'm even taking the money line on shots fired too.
11:29pm: OH SNAP!! Mayweather in a sombrero!! Wow, that's a WWE heel move. Vince, are you there? He's even got Fitty leading him to the ring. Wow, replace 50 with Motorhead and this is a Triple H like entrance.
11:31pm: Here comes The Golden Boy! Wow, he looks all business. Entering to a babyface pop, Oscar is ready for war. Say what you will about De La Hoya, he is the epitome of class. PERIOD.
11:35pm: Kenny Bayliss needs a Mills Lane like scratch of the nose when he's introduced. All he did was look into the camera.....C'mon Kenny, show some charisma!!
11:36pm: OOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSSS----CARRRRRRRRRRRRR........DE LA OOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYYAAAHHH!
11:38pm: Ding, ding, ding, and we're off! Right hand across the top by Floyd.....De La Hoya strikes back with a right hand of his own....HOYA!!! HOYA!!!....Sticking jabs by Mayweather and Oscar continues to dance....end of round!
11:42pm: Round 2 begins...left hook by Oscar! Lederman card had round 1 10-9 in favor of Mayweather.... quick FLURRY by De La Hoya.....OSCAR!!! OSCAR!!! OSCAR!!!....body shots by The Golden Boy.....end of round 2.
11:45pm: Max analysis: Wow, De La Hoya looks to be in great shape. I thought his stamina was going to be a problem against the younger Mayweather, and it's still early, but Oscar looks good so far.
11:46pm: OSCAR PUMMELING!!! SLEDGEHAMMER RIGHT ACROSS THE TOP......OSCAR!!! OSCAR!!! Wow, this crowd as expected is 100% De La Hoya.....slower pace now, Mayweather dipping and jukeing and being defensive while still hitting some jabs.....open round right now.....TIME!!!!
11:50pm: Okay Jim, I got the first two rounds for De La Hoya, the last two for Mayweather, 29-28, Floyd Mayweather through 4.....
11:51pm: BODY SHOTS, BODY SHOTS, BODY SHOTS, GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY, BODY SHOTS!!
11:53pm: Whoa....little bit of late shot by Oscar. Is it me or has Oscar's corner gotten white-er over the years? I think I saw Wilford Brimley giving The Golden Boy advice on how to slip Mayweather's right hand...
11:56pm: Right cross by De La Hoya....toe to toe for a moment.....BIG RIGHT HAND BY FLOYD!!!! TIME!!!!!!!!! Wow, 21 of 37 for Mayweather that round comparative to 9 for 37 for Oscar. Here comes that stamina I was talking about. 49-46 Mayweather through 6 due to faster hands.....
11:59pm: Chopping wood by De La Hoya, still....great defense by Mayweather....ducks and slips by Oscar...a little taste of his own medicine....good round for Oscar here.
12:08am: OSCAR!!! OSCAR!!!....De La Hoya...two good rounds now.....Larry Merchant lost his mind back in round 6 as he's clearly making no sense, rally by De La Hoya....OVATION FROM THE CROWD!! Where is Max Kellerman when you need him??? Lampley said that, not me.
12:10am: Wow, Mayweather is still hitting a better percentage of his punches yet it doesn't seem like it...round 8 goes to Floyd....
12:12am: Slowing down a bit here in 9...NO!!! De La Hoya mini flurry against the ropes....a little urgency by Mayweather and yet another reference to the Zab Judah fight by Lampley......TIME!!!
12:13am: Some great scientific boxing consultation by Mayweather's corner as they tell him to, "whip some ass." God, I love boxing.
12:14am: Uh-oh controversy between the Lampley and Lederman card!! Oscar has to kick it into overdrive here. He needs to repeat his finish against Vargas to win this fight, but it's not really looking good. THROW YOUR JAB!!!!!!!! Tie-up by Mayweather and we are down to 10 seconds......TIME!!
12:17am: Max analysis: Terrible round for Oscar. 7 out of 62 punches connected and that's simply not going to get it done. Big one sided round for Mayweather. Start of the 11th, Mayweather is stalling and Oscar is tired. Right hands by Mayweather.....surgeon like precision....1 minute left in the 11th.....some booing by the crowd now as both fighters are slowing down.....RIGHT HAND BY OSCAR TO END THE ROUND. May be too late though.
12:21am: FINAL ROUND!!! CROWD ON THEIR FEET......OSCAR ON OFFENSE.....Lampley with some good info in saying that a 12th round KO would be the first of Oscar's career.....OSCAR!!! OSCAR!!! CROWD TRYING TO GET DE LA HOYA GOING....FLURRY BY DE LA HOYA.....TEN SECONDS LEFT.....FLURRY BY BOTH FIGHTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
12:25am: And we're done. Big pop for Oscar, but I don't think it'll be enough. Let's wait for the decision......115-113 DE LA HOYA....116-112 MAYWEATHER......115-113 FOR THE WINNER BY SPIT DECISION.... AND NEEEEEWWWWWWW WBC WELTERWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE WORLD...PRETTY BOY FLOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYYDDDD MAYYYYYYYYYYYWEATHER!!!
Alright folks, that'll do it for my first shot at a running diary. I hope you enjoyed it as it was really fun writing it.
Please send across all feedback to bigjandmax@gmail.com and let me know what you thought of the diary.
Until next time............
Keep coming back,
Max
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